Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: Version 2
by Eridel
Summary: An overview of the second Harry Potter book and the yaoi implications therein. Rating for rather crude humour, and (wonder of all wonders), yaoi implications.


Okay, so I recently reread the second Harry Potter book, (or, 'Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets' for all of you, who, like myself, cannot count.) After reading it through once, I realized that it obviously documenting the budding relationships among the male portion of the school, and decided that it was my duty as a fangirl to spread this knowledge to the world. The 'P' stands for 'page', and is followed by the page number that I found the quote on. After the quote, I explain how it obviously is dripping with UST. Please enjoy.

**START.**

**P. 24:** "_Ron!" _breathed Harry.

- Breathing someone's name is a universally accepted sign of desire. Or pain. In this instance, it was obviously desire.

**P. 32:** "It's not much," said Ron.

"It's _wonderful_," said Harry happily.

- _Everything's_ wonderful when you're in love…

**P. 39:** "Come on, I'll show you my bedroom," said Ron.

- Always straight to point, that Ron.

**P. 40:** Then he turned to look at Ron, who was watching him almost nervously, as though waiting for his opinion.

"This is the best house I've ever been in."

Ron's ears went pink.

- Love is in the air…

**P. 50:** The man who followed could only be Draco's father. He had the same pale, pointed face and identical cold, grey eyes.

- Awww, Harry noticed. And he thought 'Draco', not 'Malfoy'. First names are inherently more intimate.

**P. 53:** "Come, Draco."

- Shameless, aren't I?

**P. 61:** "Bet you loved that, didn't you, Potter?"

- Says Draco to Harry while stealthily making their way out of a broom closet.

**P. 61:** "Oh, it's you," said Ron, looking at Malfoy as if he were something unpleasant on the sole of his shoe.

- And jealousy rears its red, fluffy, freckled head.

**P. 62:** It was Mr. Malfoy. He stood with his hand on Draco's shoulder, sneering in just the same way.

- Like father, like son. I wonder if they both take the top…

**P. 74:** "My wand," said Ron, in a shaky voice. "Look at my wand…"

- Ron, dear boy, not until at least fifth year.

**P. 75:** …but the next second, Ron had been knocked back into Harry's lap…

- Knocked, pulled, jumped, it doesn't matter. It's not like Ron's going anywhere soon.

**P. 78:** There, his black robes rippling in a cold breeze, stood Severus Snape…and at the moment, he was smiling…

"Follow me," said Snape.

- Confused thoughts of 'Where did the breeze come from?' were quickly forgotten in this delightful turn of events.

**P. 83:** Professor McGonagall pointed her wand at Snape's desk. –Food appears, set for the two boys- "You will eat in here…I must also return to the feast."

- Snape calls in a favor.

**P. 85:** "Got to get upstairs – bit tired," he said, and the two of them started pushing their way towards the…dormitories.

- One of the most pathetic excuses for privacy in the book.

**P. 85:** Ron grinned guiltily at Harry.

"I know I shouldn't have enjoyed that or anything, but…"

- Don't worry, he'll get over that silly conscience soon enough.

**P. 91:** Gilderoy gave Harry a hearty wink and strode off. Harry stood stunned…

- Obviously, Harry's blatant sex appeal was more powerful than he had originally thought.

**P. 93:** "Justin Finch-Fletchley," he said brightly, shaking Harry by the hand. "Know who you are of course, the famous Harry Potter…and Ron Weasley."

Ron didn't smile.

- Possessiveness, they name is Ron.

**P. 96:** "I'm Colin Creevey," he said breathlessly, taking a tentative step forward. "…Can I have a picture? So I can prove I met you," said Colin Creevey eagerly, edging further forward.

- Dear god, it's even affecting the children! Cover their eyes!

**P. 97:** "You're giving out _signed photos_, Potter?"

- Says Draco as he elbows his way to the front of the line.

**P. 97: **"Eat slugs, Malfoy," said Ron angrily.

- I always thought that green was more Ron's color.

**P. 97: **"Weasley would like a signed photo," smirked Malfoy.

- Ah, Draco knows what's going on.

**P. 98:** …Lockhart flung an arm around his shoulders…

- Apparently there is no such thing as the 'age of consent' in the Potterverse.

**P. 98:** …Lockhart swept him down a corridor lined with students staring and up a staircase.

- Teacher seducing student! Why the authorities aren't called in, no one knows…

**P. 99:** Harry yanked his robes straight.

- But he's so much cuter when rumpled and evidently taken advantage of!

**P. 113:** "Quick, behind here," Harry hissed, dragging Ron behind a nearby bush.

- Snogging behind bushes. One would have thought that the Boy Who Lived would be able to come up with a more creative place.

**P. 121:** Harry went straight up to the dormitory. Ron wasn't back yet. Harry pulled on his pajamas, got into bed, and waited.

- Then realized he forgot something and lit the candles, poured, the champagne, put in some mood music, melted the chocolate…

**P. 121:** "My muscles have all seized up," Ron groaned, sinking on his bed.

- ……_Twelve_……

**P. 138:** "Harry, what was that all about?" said Ron, wiping sweat off his face.

- Ron obviously looked to be choking on a piece of food in his throat, and Harry, being the hero that he is, tried to get it out…with his tongue…

**P. 139:** It was Draco Malfoy. He had pushed to the front of the crowd, his cold eyes alive, his usually bloodless face flushed.

- Harry is about to realize that Draco is very much an exhibitionist.

**P. 145:** Something in Ron's voice made Harry ask, "You do believe me, don't you?"

- Cliché post-coital confessions of love.

**P. 147:** Harry had just opened his mouth to say hello when Justin caught sight of him, turned abruptly, and sped off in the opposite direction.

- Hmmm…I wonder if a certain decidedly possessive redhead had anything to do with that…

**P. 147:** Harry told Ron about Justin running away form him.

"Dunno why you care. I thought he was a bit of an idiot," said Ron.

- Admitted nothing, denied nothing. And Harry is left confused by the satisfied smirk on Ron's face.

**P. 159:** "D'you think we've got nothing better to go in Potions than listen to Snape?" muttered Ron.

- No one actually _listens_ in Potions. With Snape, Draco, Harry, and Ron, everyone's too distracted. C'mon, those four in one room, the cauldrons must be for catching the drool.

**P. 161:** "Nice loud howl, Harry – exactly – I pounced – like this - _slammed_ him to the floor – thus with one hand, I managed to hold him down – with my other – he let out a piteous moan – go on, Harry – higher than that – good –"

- The most disturbing passage in the book. Gilderoy Lockhart using Harry (Student! Underage!) to act out his sexual conquests in class.

**P. 166:** Ron muttered to Harry," It'll be a lot less hassle if you can just knock Malfoy off his broom tomorrow."

- Ron realizes that platinum blonde is a lot more attractive that red.

**P. 167:** Chest heaving with emotion, Wood turned to Harry.

- How many people are after Harry now? Six? Million? Uncountable multitudes?

**P. 168:** "All right there, Scarhead?" yelled Malfoy, shooting underneath him as though to show off the speed of his broom.

- Awww…showing off _and_ ready to catch Harry if he falls. So sweet. And you can't forget the pet names.

**P. 172:** "Lie back, Harry," said Lockhart soothingly.

- …Lockhart has no discretion. At all. None.

**P. 173:** "No – don't –" said Harry weakly.

- …………………raises eyebrow Oh well, if there's anything I've learned, it 's that the ukes always protest at first.

**P. 174:** Hermione waited outside the curtain drawn around Harry's bed while Ron helped him into his pajamas.

- Ron took his time. What else can I say? You all have imaginations.

**P. 186:** Draco Malfoy…kept flicking puffer-fish eyes at Ron and Harry.

- Well, he had to do _something_, All that snogging was making him nauseous. And jealous.

**P. 189:** "Don't worry, you'll still have your Potions master when I'm through with him."

- The class watched in shock as Snape was dragged kicking and screaming into the infamous broom closet. Harry was giggling rather hysterically. Draco looked mildly ill.

**P. 189:** "Wouldn't it be good if they both finished each other off?" Ron muttered in Harry's ear.

- Twelve-year-olds should not be saying things that fit as easily in pornography as in real life. And that has to be the tenth time Ron has 'muttered' in Harry's ear.

**P. 191:** Harry and Malfoy inclined their heads, not taking their eyes off each other.

- The perfect way to start a duel. Ogling the opponent. Causes either untold confusion or equally distracting desire.

**P. 193:** Snape smirked as Lockhart quickly picked it up, saying, "Whoops – my wand is a little overexcited –"

- At least it's not twelve-year-olds this time, but still…

**P. 193:** Snape moved closer to Malfoy, bent down, and whispered something in his ear. Malfoy smirked too.

- I'm surprised that the authorities haven't looked at Snape either on account of all these shady relationships with students.

**P. 194:** "Don't move, Potter," said Snape lazily.

- See? Shady.

**P. 195:** "Come on," said Ron's voice in his ear. "More – come _on_ -"

- sighs Kids these days.

**P. 224:** Malfoy looked at him. So did Harry. Ron blushed.

- Realizing belatedly that yelling out "Keep your filthy hands off my lover!" was probably the wrong thing to do, Ron wishes that he had taken the time to learn Obliviate.

**P. 242:** "_Let me show you."_

- An intentionally suggestive statement.

**P. 243:** He was much taller than Harry, but he, too, had jet-black hair.

- Sorry Harry. Taller Better.

**P. 253:** His cloak lay ripped on the floor. The bedclothes had been pulled off his four-poster and the drawer had been pulled out of his bedside cabinet, the contents strewn over the mattress.

- The two boys lay in beautiful repose, blissfully unaware of the fangirls salivating in the background.

**P. 270:** Instead he contented himself with scrawling a note to Ron: 'Let's do it tonight.'

- Another intentionally suggestive statement.

**P. 273:** "Okay," Ron sighed as though resigned to the worst, "I'm ready."

- Harry isn't _that_ bad in bed, is he?

**P. 273:** "What?" said Ron loudly, looked around into pitch-black, and gripping Harry's elbow very hard.

- "Save me, O mighty hero!" Ron cries shrilly, and promptly swoons.

**P. 292:** There was an ugly sort of wardrobe to his left, full of teachers' cloaks. "In here."

- I guess the teachers are keeping a closer eye on the broom closets.

**P. 302:** "Harry – there's something up there –" said Ron hoarsely, grabbing Harry's shoulder.

- "Don't worry, I'll save you, fair princess Ron!" Harry cries, pulled a sword heroically from a hat…wait…apparently, that doesn't happen yet. All right then; Harry pulls out his wand, _literal_ wand (perverts), as heroically as a twelve-year-old boy being jumped by another twelve-year-old boy possible can.

**P. 303:** Lockhart got to his feet – then he dived at Ron, knocking him to the ground.

- What is it with Lockhart these days? No wonder he gets fired…

**P. 307:** Harry stared at him. Tom Riddle had been at Hogwarts fifty years ago, yet here he stood, a weird misty light shining about him.

- "It's the Aura of Bishieness," Riddle explains, twirling flamboyantly to show off said aura. "It keeps us young attractive males young and attractive and male forever. I think it might have something to with this…" He tugs at the silver collar around his neck, and then pointedly looks Harry up and down. "Hmmm…you seem to already have one of your own."

**P. 309:** "I've waited a long time for this, Harry Potter," said Riddle. " For the chance to see you."

- Yes, the true reason that Riddle preserved his sixteen-year-old self in the diary was not that he wanted to purge the world of all Muggles, as it is commonly believed. Oh no, he just wanted to drool over his apparent nemesis. Perfectly normal behavior.

**P. 309:** All the time he spoke, Riddle's eyes never left Harry's face. There was an almost hungry look in them.

- Okay is _that_ blatant enough for all you skeptics who are reading this with that 'she's just taking things out of context' look on your faces? Honestly, what does one guy look hungrily at another guy usually signify?

**P. 311:** His eyes roved over the lightning scar on Harry's forehead, and their expression grew hungrier.

- Apparently, scars area turn-on. That would explain a lot. I mean, look at Final Fantasy VIII.

**P. 313:** There was an odd red gleam in his hungry eyes now.

- More hunger. Is this going somewhere? We can only hope so.

**P. 316:** Riddle began to laugh again. He laughed so hard that the dark chamber rang with it, as though ten Riddles were laughing at once –

- The true example of Rowling's brilliance. Cloning attractive, evil, sixteen-year-old males.

**P. 322:** He looked into Harry's face. "I prefer it this way. Just you and me, Harry Potter…you and me…"

- Harry promptly forgot about the basilisk, the mission, and _especially_ Ginny, and launched himself at Riddle. One might be forgiven for mistaking the fire in Harry's eyes for fury, but not for long…

**P. 322:** Riddle was writhing and twisting, screaming and flailing, and then –

- And then…? Damned censoring for the younger audience…

**P. 322:** Then came a faint moan from the end of the chamber.

- This story would have been _much_ more interesting if that hadn't been Ginny.

**P. 325:** Harry tucked the sword and the Sorting Hat into his belt. Ron took hold of the back of Harry's robes…

- Ron's been incredibly clingy throughout the entire book. He's obviously emotionally insecure. Harry should comfort him. A quick shag in the common room should do it, as always. It's why hurt/comfort is a genre.

**P. 338:** "You'll meet the same sticky end as your parents one of these days, Harry Potter," Lucius said softly.

- That was a rather unnecessary way to word a death threat, astonishingly-attractive-silver-blonde-haired-man.

**P. 338:** Lucius Malfoy stood frozen, staring at the elf. Then he lunged at Harry.

- As I said, like father, like son. I guess exhibitionism runs in the family.

**P. 341:** "This is called a telephone number," he told Ron. "Call me at the Dursley's, okay?"

- Cue cheesy "Awww…" for the cute couple, and fade to black.

------

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much I enjoyed writing it. Please leave a review if you did, I will be so grateful! My thanks go out to all who read it before I posted it and gave me suggestions, and all who read it after. You are absolutely priceless. I intend to go through the other books as well, if readers liked this one.

This is dedicated to evil-stalker-neighbor-boy Matt, who has tried to tell me on many occasions that the Harry Potter characters are very much straight. He still won't see the truth…sigh


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